Last night, I was playing some music on my little mp3 player when the whole thing came to a grinding halt. I reset the player this morning and am busy uploading music again. Right now, I'm on the folder with a ton of 80's music. I love 80's music. It's such a pick-me-up.

While goin through the music (I'm testing it in case it was a faulty mp3 that caused the hanging), I found this song. Definitely an old favourite of mine and something I am passionate about. I believe in speaking up, not just against war, violence, abuse of power... but in everything we consider wrong and unjust - not talking about the lunatic fringe ;) I do speak out... not in blogs, as the ones who need to hear it don't read my bitty blog. I speak out in the world around me... the ordinary people I see. Perhaps that is why I'm a bit of a freak here.

I've been in a major slump these past few weeks. Waking up in the morning has been tough. Holding a conversation has been tough. In fact, pretty much everything has been tough. When I get like this, its hard pulling myself out. I do get to a point though, where I see a glimmer of light or at least a patch that isn't as dark as the rest. At that point, I know that its up to me to get myself out of the hole I'm in, so I go on a hunt for anything that is remotely mood-lifting.

Here is what I found....

I found friends

I found inspiring photography

I found upbuilding and positive sites: Gimundo.com, Care2.com, Zaadz.com

I found music

I found inspirational thoughts, poems and quotes....

Moving through darkness - The places we go

In life, most of us want things to go to the places we have envisioned ourselves going. We have plans and visions, some of them divinely inspired, that we want to see through to completion. We want to be happy, successful, and healthy, all of which are perfectly natural and perfectly human. So when life takes us to places we didn’t consciously want to go, we often feel as if something has gone wrong, or we must have made a mistake somewhere along the line, or any number of other disheartening possibilities. This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality.

Often it takes something major to wake us up, to shake us loose from our ego’s grip as it struggles to maintain an illusion of control. It is loss of control more than anything else that humbles us and enables us to see the big picture. It reminds us that the key to the universe lies in what we do not know, and what we do know is a small fraction of the great mystery in which we live. This awareness softens and lightens us, as we release our resistance to what is. Another gift gleaned from going to these seemingly undesirable places is that, in our response to difficulty, we can see all the patterns and unresolved emotional baggage that stand in the way of our unconditional joyfulness. Joy exists within us independently of whether things go our way or not. And when we don’t feel it, we can trust that we will find it if we are willing to surrender to the situation, moving through it as we move through our difficult feelings.

We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

I rather like the idea of taking my inspiration, for now, from any fairy tale where the main character is lost in a dark wood. Wonder if I'll find a gingerbread house, a wolf... or something more fantastic and mystical. Hm... I think I'll settle for the fantastic and mystical ;)

On the other end of the city is the Cultura Britanica building, which houses a tiny library. When we lived close enough, Tat and I used to try to get there at least once a week. One sweltering Wednesday, we decided to have a drink at the pub in the building... just for fun... just the two of us. We had met the owner of the pub at one of the consular events that was hosted in the building. He is Dutch, but lived for many years in South Africa.

I was raised in a home where we had wine on the table on Wednesday evenings and for Sunday lunch. I was encouraged to have some wine. My half-a-glass-full was always there. I grew up knowing wine and liqueurs and enjoying them, but prefering moderation. I have raised Tat the same way. I believe that being open and natural about 'taboo' subjects is one of the keys to preventing young folk from going stir crazy when finally being 'released' from the confines of parental protection. It works for me. Back to our outing...

At the pub, Tat wanted something exotic. She had been spoiled at Paraty with drinks that are so very appealing to the eye. The picture above is of one of her Paraty taste sensations. Faced with the menu, I had 'exotic' going through my mind. To my mind, everything was exotic! Then my eye caught it... Piña colada. I had never had one. The mere fact that it involved coconut put me off, as I've had a glut of all things coconut here. I ordered the piña colada for her and something else for myself. I can't remember what. Tat raved about it. I took a sip... it was soo good! "Mom, this is delicious... great choice!" Then I had to admit that I'd never had one myself. "How did you know to order it then?" Well, I thought of exotic and a song came to mind. I figured it sounded good in the song and friends had raved about it, so it would be good now. Uh... yes....

We each had our drink and laughed our way back to the bus. It was a fun afternoon.

*Footnote*
Before anyone raises their hands in horror, I do (and did) know what goes into a piña colada. I don't encourage irresponsible drinking. My belief is that if a young person goes out into the world, it is better to go out armed with knowledge. I would rather a young person try the strangeness of the world at home where he or she can be taught how to do it responsibly and when to stop, than in a strange place with people who do not have their welfare at heart.

I like Barbara Streisand. Ok, as with all singers, I don't like all her songs, but I have a few firm favourites. Without further ado... "Send in the clowns"

Every time I go through a period of happiness, I learn something about myself. The same goes for times when I am depressed. As always, I have learnt things about myself... not all bad.

I have learnt that I have a deep-seated fear I need to overcome. I am terrified of tests. I am terrified of having to prove myself. I can talk about it. I know the theory. I know what it takes to be what I have to be. I know how to do it, but CAN I do it?? This fear often paralyses me. I am in a testing period now. If I can prove myself now - more to myself than anyone else - then I'll be fine. Then I'll have beaten this particular demon down just that bit more.

Another thing I learnt about myself is that I respect, but don't fear authority. Put me face to face with power and authority and I'll hold my own, knowing that the authority in question will come off respecting me or at least not looking down on me. Given the right circumstances, I will even stand up to authority and stand a good chance of winning my case. But... put me in front of my peers and I turn into a jibbering mess. I am constantly afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, of making a fool of myself or embarassing myself. A bit like the teenager desperately wanting to impress a crush... she will fall over her feet, drop books, stutter, stammer. Yep.... I'm the same. What is it? Is it because I have no desire to impress authority or feel I have no need to? Perhaps its because I was raised among older adults, only seeing other kids really at school. An interesting thought, to be sure.

The weather here is great. Its fresh, almost chilly, somewhat overcast... weather one can work in, if so inclined or snuggle with a hot drink and a book. We were just chuckling at Specs who was playing with her ball. She flew into her scratchpad with her tail puffed out to the same width as her head and sat there looking around her with the tail still puffy, almost as though she'd forgotten she'd puffed it out. I think we're all like that sometimes, carrying our puffy tails around long after the reason for the drama has gone..... *looks around at her puffy tail*

Today's photo is one I took some time back. I was fascinated by this young tree making a good go of growing on top of the overhang over the doorway of this building. Wonder if its still there.

The photo above is taken in the Valley of Flags outside Steytlerville in the Klein Karoo, South Africa. I was in boarding school there for a time.

I received a phone call from home today. There is a possibility that I may be going home for the first time in 8 years. My friend is having surgery and lives alone. She's looking for a 'baby sitter', as she won't be able to manage on her own while healing. I will probably, if I go, be there for 6 - 8 weeks. This has brought a surge of memories and emotions to light. Its something I have dreamt of with an unrelenting homesickness.

This song is by Laurika Rauch, one of my favourite South African artists. The song is very folkish and in Afrikaans, so you're not expected to understand it. In the refrain, the words go:

"...'n Reis deur die verlede sal ook hartseer bring, maar my voete wil weer dans en my lippe wil weer sing..."
which translates to: "... A journey through the past will also bring heartache, but my feet once again want to dance and my lips want to sing..."

The song takes me through familiar scenes (not the car!) and memories.

I know a trip back home will bring heartache. I am terrified of disturbing the past. We are at a time where we are looking to the future with great excitement. Now I am facing the past again. I am terrified of leaving my daughter and husband. I know they will manage and will hardly starve without me. I think its me that needs them, not the other way around. We've so often spoke of me going home, but now that the reality may be here... I find myself hesitating. I'm afraid of what I might find. As my friend said, its sure to cure my homesickness. Naturally, if she calls, I will go. Its just who I am... if a friend or family member needs me, I'm there. It helps, of course, that she will be paying for it.

Ugh! Why am I worrying... nothing is confirmed yet and the whole thing could still fall through.

To answer questions I get asked all the time... I am South African. My ancestors were among those who stepped off the ships from Holland in 1652. It is a strong lineage, so I can say from the depths of my being that I am a child of South Africa. It is where my roots are.

I met a lovely lady, who is now living in Scotland. She wrote this poem after having to leave her own homeland, Rhodesia (Zimbabwe). Its a poem that echoes the way I feel.... I have permission from Michelle to post this poem on my site. For those who read it, please respect her copyright and always include her name with the poem.

I had a lighthearted post in mind... about an endearing little dog. I think I'll post that tomorrow when I can think a clearer.

I've had "Don't give up" by Kate Bush and Peter Gabriel in my head all evening. Its so beautiful and for me, so meaningful.

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no-one wants you when you lose

Don't give up
'cos you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
Never thought that I could be affected
Thought that we'd be last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up
We don't need much of anything
Don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
Where we belong
Rest your head
You worry too much
It's going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don't give up
Please don't give up

Got to walk out of here
I can't take any more
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river's flowing
That river's flowing

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Don't give up
'cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
We're proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know its never been easy
Don't give up
'cause I believe there's a place
There's a place where we belong.